Hi Jake,
Bicurious guy here. I’ve been thinking about checking out a gay resort, or maybe even a men’s spa, for a while now. What’s holding me back is that because I’m not fully “gay” or experienced with this stuff, I have no idea what would be expected of me.
For example, maybe I’d just want to keep to myself at first and be a voyeur. Or maybe I’d be interested in hooking up if the chemistry felt right and it was the right situation. But either way, I’d want to go at my own pace.
I guess my biggest fear is getting there, realizing I’m in over my head, and looking like I have no idea what I’m doing.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Are there certain expectations when you go to places like this? Do I need to be prepared for someone to touch me, or for there to be things I’m expected to do so I don’t get called out or made to feel weird?
I imagine there are some unwritten rules of etiquette at these places. What are they? And what happens if I’m not ready to play by them?
Bi the Book
Dear Bi the Book,
The great thing about sexuality is that you truly get to define it for yourself. And that goes beyond whatever label you happen to assign yourself when writing into a queer advice column. 
Your sexuality is yours to own completely. That means you also get to decide which experiences you’re comfortable exploring, what boundaries you want to set, and how far you want to go once you’re there.
So let’s get one thing out of the way: Buying a day pass to a men’s spa or booking a room at a gay resort is not a blanket consent form. You don’t owe anyone sex, touching, or even an explanation for why you’re there.
Of course, different places have different vibes. A clothing-optional gay resort in Palm Springs may be sexually charged, but not everyone is there to hook up. Some guys are there to socialize, sunbathe, swim, flirt, or simply enjoy being naked. A men’s spa or bathhouse may be more explicitly sexual, so expect guys to cruise you or express interest.
But expressing interest and having permission to touch you are two different things.
The unwritten rules aren’t that complicated. You can look, flirt, or watch what’s happening around you. You can indicate interest, and someone can indicate interest in you. But nobody gets automatic access to your body just because you walked through the door.
It depends where you are, but some people like to signal interest by inching towards you, making eye contact, or even reaching a hand out. But that doesn’t mean you need to reciprocate. You can always politely move away, shake your head, say “no thanks,” or even gently remove their hand if you need to. You never need to apologize, much less explain where you are on your bisexual journey.
The same goes if you are interested. Maybe you flirt, and that’s enough. Maybe you make out. Maybe you start fooling around and realize you’d rather stop. Consent isn’t a contract you sign at the beginning of an encounter. You’re allowed to change your mind at any point.
As for being a voyeur, at some places, watching is definitely part of the culture. But just because someone is willing to have sex out in the open doesn’t necessarily mean they want an audience, or additional participants. Always pay attention to the physical cues. Are they smiling and looking at you, or even gesturing to come closer? Or, on the contrary, are they turning their back, closing a door, or not giving you the time of day? The best approach is to start by giving space, then assess and decide how to proceed from there.
I’d also take some pressure off yourself about looking inexperienced. Nobody was born knowing gay bathhouse etiquette. Every guy comfortably wandering around in a towel once had a first time too.
I’d make your first visit deliberately low-stakes. Go to check out the place rather than do anything sexual. Walk around, get comfortable, and see how you feel. If something happens that you’re excited about, great. If you spend two hours observing the wildlife and go home, that’s also a perfectly successful field trip. In fact, some say simply being there has benefits to your mental health!
The goal isn’t to prove you’re gay enough, adventurous enough, or experienced enough to belong there. It’s to explore something you’re curious about without surrendering your right to decide what happens next.
So go ahead and be curious. Just remember that being Bi the Book doesn’t mean you have to do everything that’s in it.
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