Apparently, running the United States government during normal business hours is for amateur crooks and politicians. Turns out, if you really want to get sh*t done, the best strategy is to wait until Susie Wiles clocks out, order some late-night fast food, and slide into Donald Tr*mp’s DMs. Or, better yet, dial up the Oval Office landline.
According to a new report, top White House aides are fuming because Tr*mpworld plotters keep “tricking” the 80-year-old president into doing things for them by phoning late at night, when all of his gatekeepers have gone home for the day and the sundowning is in full effect.
“Certain people—bad actors—have found ways, like calling at night when his senior crew of advisers is not around, to push things through,” an anonymous source tells Punch Up.
And apparently the chief architect of this midnight trickery is none other than ICE Barbie herself, Kristi Noem.
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Evidently, at the height of the backlash following the fatal shootings of U.S. citizens Renee Good and Alex Pretti in Minneapolis, and while her own husband was secretly checked into a Christian-based sex rehab clinic to overcome his “bimbofication” fetish, Noem found herself under a lot of unwanted public scrutiny.
In an attempt to get control of the narrative and salvage her reputation, she and her top adviser/alleged side piece Corey Lewandowski orchestrated a covert visit to the White House in the evening hours of Friday, January 30.
The pair arrived after the elderly president’s top staff had already left for the weekend. It was actually their second direct appeal to him that week, following a nearly two-hour Oval Office session held at Noem’s request earlier that Monday.
Their after-hours strategy delivered immediate results. At 9:57 PM that same Friday evening, Tr*mp took to Truth Social to publish a surprise defense of his embattled DHS Secretary. The post was included LOTS of ALL CAPS letters, exclamation points, grammatical errors, and a healthy dose of partial truths and lies for good measure.
In the post, Tr*mp claimed “Radical Left Lunatics, Insurrectionists, Agitators, and Thugs” were attacking Noem “because she is a woman, and has done a really GREAT JOB!” before closing with, “Thank you to Secretary Kristi Noem.” He also threw in a jab at “Sleepy Joe” because, well, why not?
Noem’s smooth late-night success showed that catching Tr*mp outside regular working hours, when folks like Susie Wiles and Stephen Miller weren’t around to weigh in, was an effective strategy for bypassing internal opposition and secure presidential approval.
Well played, Kristi!
…At least, sorta.
Because we all know what happened next.
A few weeks later, Tr*mp unexpectedly fired her after she threw him under the bus while testifying before the House Judiciary Committee. Without any advance warning, he announced she was no longer the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and was instead being named “U.S. Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas,” whatever the hell that means.
And a few weeks after that, the Daily Mail published photos of Noem’s husband Bryon sporting giant fake boobs and dressed in women’s athleisure, along with the headline “Secret double life of Kristi Noem’s cross-dressing husband Bryon: The pouting ‘busty bimbo’ photos and trove of explicit messages.”
Turns out, Noem’s midnight spell was only temporary.
But a precedent had still been set. Others within the administration quickly took note of her off-hours strategy and pretty soon everyone was calling Tr*mp late at night to push through key personnel decisions and policy moves, including Noem’s successor, current DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin.
According to reports, he waited until Wiles was out of town for her daughter’s wedding to dial up Tr*mp in the dead of night and convince him to nominate former highway patrolman Richard “Lance” Schroyer as the new ICE Director, bypassing the entire vetting process. When Wiles got wind of this, insiders say, it “ruined” her relationship with Mullin.
Not suprisingly, White House spokeswoman Lauren Bis is denying everything, calling the reports “wrong,” but also declining to elaborate when asked to clarify the inaccuracies. “President Tr*mp hears multiple points of view before he reaches a decision,” was all she said.
But the lesson echoing through the West Wing is clear: If you catch Tr*mp after hours, when his babysitters aren’t patrolling the hallways, he’ll rubber stamp whatever you put in front of him.
As for Noem, she recently attended the unveiling of a creepy bronze statue in her honor, which was erected at the Trail of Governors in Pierre, South Dakota, in front of the state Capitol building.
When asked at the unveiling whether she planned to run for office again, she replied, “Oh, I wouldn’t take it off the table. I may someday. But, you know, we ran 13 races and won them all, so campaigns don’t scare me. But I’ve got a lot of other things to do, too.”
First on her agenda? Divorcing her cross-dressing husband.
Related
Kristi Noem & rumored lover Corey Lewandowski are drowning in deleted-text drama
The mess continues…
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