One topic guaranteed to spark debate is age-gap relationships. Society often frowns upon couples when there’s a significant age difference. That includes both committed relationships or a quick hook-up.
Gay men have often been labelled ‘predators’ by some homophobes. This can trigger all sorts of uncomfortable feelings if contemplating a hook-up with someone much younger.
A man on Reddit reports recently turning 40 and entering his “daddy” phase. He receives plenty of interest on apps. The only problem is a feeling of guilt when he responds to younger guys seeking fun.
“I’m a decent-looking guy who’s never had trouble dating or hooking up,” he began. “I’m also someone who, for the most part, likes to date and hook up with guys in a comparable age rage … My general rule has always been it’s cool to play with younger guys (under say, 30) if they contact me, but I’m not usually reaching out to them (partially out of preference – like, for dating, I want a guy in the same life stage – and partially b/c I don’t want to be that creepy gay only going after young guys b/c I judge that guy).
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“Anyway, this year was the big 4-0,” he continued. “Which also coincided with me probably being in the best shape I’ve ever been in. I’ve truly never gotten more attention, particularly from…like, early 20’s guys who are in their daddy phase.
“I give a firm no to anyone under 21 (maybe I need to get over it, but it feels creepy), but am feeling conflicted about the 22-24 crowd knocking at my door.
“On one hand, like, I feel I should take advantage of a bunch of hot 23-year-olds who want to willingly f*ck me, but I can’t help feeling kinda weird or kinda like a cliche.
“Am I being overdramatic? Overthinking things?”
The campsite rule
The posting prompted over 130 replies. The consensus was: Don’t feel guilty, as they’re consenting adults. However, as the more mature individual, you have the greater responsibility to treat them with respect and care.
“They’re adults and they’re pursuing you, I don’t think there’s a problem as long as you aren’t a d*ck about it,” was the most well-liked response. “I would say you do probably have a slightly higher duty of care if you’re the older guy, you are undoubtedly at a much more stable and content part of your life than they are. Just make sure you both enjoy it … and be clear about what you’re looking for so you don’t string anyone along inadvertently.”
There’s even a term for this. Columnist Dan Savage previously coined the ‘Campsite rule’ for such situations.
It basically dictates that when dating someone significantly younger or less experienced, you must leave them in at least as good a state (physically and emotionally) as you found them. It derives from a principle regarding taking care of campsites you visit.
“Feels good to be adored; it shouldn’t be a guilt thing,” said another. “It’s actually a win/win situation. Some young guys want an experienced man to bring them along; and you get to give back by sharing your experience. The big advice that comes with this daddy phase you have entered is the campground rule: If you play with a 20’s guy, leave ’em better than you found ‘em.”
“Harsher dismissal”
The original poster still said he felt some guilt for dismissing younger guys as not appropriate for a relationship. He felt like he was patronizing them to view them as for sex only.
A man in his 50s said this is one of those moments when care is needed.
“Regardless of age, there’s a moment of ‘harsher dismissal’ by one of the two people in a hookup. There’s almost always one person who likes the other more. Even just a little bit more. I think you know you’ll likely be the one to dismiss the other because you’ve had more experience. You’re feeling guilty about that ahead of time.”
Others also told the original poster not to feel guilty.
“You’re probably overthinking it a bit. If everyone involved is a consenting adult, and you’re being respectful, there’s nothing inherently wrong with enjoying the attention. The fact that you’re questioning your motives instead of treating younger guys like trophies actually says a lot. If you don’t want to date someone that young, don’t—but if a 22–24-year-old wants a casual hookup and you both know what it is, there’s no reason to feel guilty. Just keep the same standards of honesty and respect you’d have with anyone your own age.”
Don’t rule out a relationship
Some guys in large age-gap relationships joined the conversation, presumably to highlight the fact that such relationships exist and can’t be ruled out. A man in his late 60s said, “I’m 28 years older than my spouse. Together for 17 years, married for 12. Just sayin’. 
”
Another man, now in his late 40s, said, “I met my then 50yo boyfriend when I was 26 and not a week out of the army. Just because they’re into older men doesn’t mean things can’t be meaningful and real.”
Other, older guys (over 65), told the original poster to enjoy the attention from younger guys while he can, as it does eventually begin to dry up.
Many said they’d experienced the same attention as “daddies”, and a few emphasized feeling “weird” about it.
However, for most, the campsite rule provided some guidance.
“I think as long as you abide by the campsite rule with these guys, it’s totally fine to have some mutual fun,” said one man in his 50s. “It would feel different (at least to me) if you were pursuing them, especially if that age was the only range you were pursuing.”
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